Complex Trauma

Nobody likes me.

There’s something wrong with me.

I’m just broken. There’s no hope for me.

No one will ever love me.

No matter how hard she tried, Dee never felt good enough.

Maybe it was because her mom was always criticizing her.

The daughter of a teen mom, Dee was expected to be needless… AND to provide all the nurturing her mother needed.

From an early age…

She was praised for her emotional intelligence and maturity.

Being “good” meant not asking for too much… not asking for anything really.

Besides, Dee knew her mom wasn’t the touchy-feely type.

When Dee grew up…

Because she had learned to anticipate the needs of others and thought of herself as a natural caretaker, she became a social worker.

As an adult, she reflected on her tough upbringing, but she didn’t think of it as “traumatic.” After all, she had her basic needs met and knew her mom had done her best.

In relationships…

Even when things were going well, Dee knew it was only a matter of time before they weren’t.

It was like that ever since she could remember – something good happened, and something bad followed soon afterward. She was used to never being able to enjoy the good; she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it did.

The bullying from the other kids at school…

The fear of walking home alone when it got dark early, and there was no one to pick her up…

The men her mother dated secretly glancing her way, prompting her to lock her bedroom door at night…

It felt like no one saw her – like no one thought she might have real feelings. She often ate dinner alone, and there was no one to ask her how her day was. She learned to be helpful and keep her struggles to herself. Until recently…

Dee’s inner critic was getting the best of her.

All day long, no matter what she did, she was reminded of how she couldn’t do anything right. As accomplished as she was, Dee was always one step ahead in seeing her flaws. It was all she could see. She had so much going for her, but something inside was always telling her that she was inherently lacking.

Each time she met someone new, people around her were blown away by how amazing she was. She was charismatic, funny, and incredibly caring. But she couldn’t see it.

Dee often struggled with suicidal thoughts, feeling like everyone would be better off without her. She wanted to be done with the pain she felt daily.

She longed for close friends…

… like the cliques on her favorite TV shows. She longed for friends to see her and make her feel special.

In friendships, she often felt insecure, unknowingly pushing people away with the hope they’d ‘proved they cared’ by coming back.

But eventually, the reassurance Dee needed became too much to ask for. She couldn’t keep a friendship.

Romantically, it was toxic relationship after toxic relationship.

When it was good, it was always “too good to be true.”

She made all kinds of assumptions and got carried away by the stories she made up about how they couldn’t possibly love her or want to be with her.

Little things turned into big things, and day after day felt like a battle. It was like two competing personalities: the one that loved her partners fiercely and the other that despised how badly she knew they would hurt her if they got too close.

By the time Dee reached out to me…

She felt like an awful person with no hope.

“People always leave me,” she said, “I’m worthless. I don’t deserve to be loved.”

But a small part of Dee knew there was more to it.

She didn’t understand why she had such intense emotions and disproportionate reactions in relationships. Sometimes it felt like she got hijacked by someone that wasn’t her.

In therapy…

Dee slowly learned to recognize the difference between the person she was at her core and the one that was always lashing out to protect her.

She tuned into her needs in the moment, allowing her to pause and respond rather than react.

Together, we explored how her anxiety in relationships was rooted in a core belief of being unlovable, of feeling unseen and unworthy in childhood. She so badly wanted attention and care but was terrified to receive it.

In our work together, Dee was able to give voice to the parts of her that were scared and longing. We worked with younger parts of her to listen to their needs at those ages and what it was like not to have them met. Dee was able to grieve the childhood she wanted but never had, and she learned that, as an adult, she could provide herself with the nurturing she so deeply desired.

And she learned HOW to do that.

Dee no longer lived in a state of extremes.

If you’re like Dee…

Friendships and romantic relationships can feel really lonely.

But the shame of feeling like a bad person doesn’t have to prevent you from getting the support you need.

You deserve to be happy in relationships, and healthy relationships ARE possible for you!

And you can start today. Use the button below to set up your free consultation.