Unlearning the Impact of Parentification

“Parentification” is a term used to describe a child who takes on a role that is inappropriate for their developmental stage.

Here’s what it looks like…

Common “parentified” roles are mediator, caregiver, or protector.

Another (less common) role is becoming the financial provider for the family, especially in one-working-parent or low-income households.

Parentification can be instrumental or emotional…

Instrumental parentification happens when a child is expected to tend to the family’s physical needs, such as being responsible for cooking and cleaning, taking care of younger siblings, or serving as a translator in families where the parents may not speak the primary language where the family lives.

Emotional parentification (sometimes called “emotional incest”) develops when a child is expected to tend to a parent or sibling’s psychological or emotional needs. You might see these children as a confidante, mediating between two parties, listening to a family member talk about problems, or consoling them when upset.

Why does this happen?

It is common in, but not exclusive to, first-born children as a way to help out in the family.

Parentification is an “invisible” form of childhood trauma. The emotional neglect experienced by children who are parentified communicates the unspoken message that it is important to put others first and sacrifice their own needs for the benefit of the family.

They learn that not having any needs of their own is the way to be of most value to their family.

Zola was always mature for her age.

Her parents moved to the U.S. when she was eight years old and divorced shortly after.

When her brother was born, Zola helped out in any way her mother needed. It was just the two of them, and she wanted to be a good daughter. She could see her mother struggling with loneliness as a single mom and did her best to be an emotional support to her.

Zola rarely got to see her father, and when she did, they often argued. Zola took her mother’s side and shared everything her father had told her about his new life after getting remarried.

At home, Zola was expected to help take care of her brother while her mother worked. And when he got older, she often stepped in when he and mom butted heads. Zola became known as a parental figure to her brother and a pseudo-partner to her mother.

Now an adult, she resented not having had the chance to be her age and not feel so responsible for the well-being of others. She noticed she often got anxious about setting boundaries and always gave in to requests from partners, friends, and family – even when it was inconvenient.

Sasha was fiercely independent.

Even at an early age, her parents never worried about leaving her home alone when they both had to work. She knew how to care for herself and liked knowing that her parents thought so highly of her.

Sure, she felt lonely sometimes, but she understood her parents had to work.

She accomplished anything she set her mind to. Straight As? Check. Two degrees? Check… check. Sasha had recently bought her dream car and become a homeowner. Anything she wanted was hers…

… except when it came to relationships. Sasha deeply longed for a partner to share her life and success with. She wanted to be seen beyond her accomplishments and wondered if she would ever be good enough.

Mia felt special when she was needed.

Because it made HER feel needed – like she had a purpose.

Growing up, it was just her and her mom at home, and they were super close. They acted more like sisters than mother and daughter. Mia’s mother struggled with her mental health, and Mia was highly attuned to what her mother needed. She consoled her mother during her lowest lows. It never felt like there was any space for Mia’s feelings. So she learned to bottle them up and look like everything was always okay.

When Mia left for college, she worried about what things would be like for her mother. The two spoke multiple times a day and had no secrets from each other. Until now.

Mia had started dating someone, and between school and homework, time was limited. She felt guilty spending more time living her life, which often caused tension between her and her boyfriend. Mia worried that the relationship was ending whenever he took any space.

She often looked to her boyfriend and mother to help her figure out what to do next. She had no sense of her own desires.

Working together, we were able to make the shift…

… from the roles that Zola, Sasha, and Mia had held from an early age.

We connected to their inner child, and they learned to set and maintain boundaries.

They learned to recognize when they were saying “yes” because they wanted to – not because they felt they had to.

Zola stopped people-pleasing by grieving the childhood she missed out on.

Sasha learned her worth was not tied to being perfect.

Mia realized that rescuing others was not her responsibility, and she began to see herself as enough just as she was.

Experience healing and your breakthrough today.

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